[still working XP]
Everyone goes through changes when they’re growing up. You start to realize that the world isn’t always such a “dandy” and “lovely” place. You began to think about things differently and your innocence begins to die away. Carlos Bulosan has changed the most in the book. He used to be young and depend on his family but now he has learned to be independent. He has learned that the world can be very cruel sometimes and that at times all you have is yourself.
“But I knew it was the end of my life in Mangusmana, the end of the bitter days of childhood. It was actually the end of my life with my father, the end of my farming life in the Philippines, the end of blinding heat and heavy rains. I was leaving all of my childhood now, leaving forever to face the demands of sudden manhood, and there was no return journey anywhere. I knew I could not go back to Mangusmana, and my father knew it too because he witnessed it before, when my own brothers went the way I was going, away from him and his earth forever. (pg.30)
At a young age, his mind matured and he knew that he had to leave and face manhood even though he didn’t want to. When you become older, you have to face things that you don’t want to because you know the consequence. When you’re younger you don’t think before you act. You just act!
‘“Did you bring home a book with pictures?” I asked.
‘“Sure,” he said. “But you should wait until you are better.”
“I would like to look at the pictures now,” I said. (p.32)
Even though Bulosan is maturing he still has some childlike qualities within him. In the first quote he was ill in bed but he asked his brother, Macario if he had brought a book with pictures. When Macario said to wait until Bulosan was better, Bulosan said that he wanted to look at the book now, no matter what kind of physical state he was in.
“I wanted to laugh because it was so comical, but my mother looked at me with angry eyes. “Someday you will understand these things,” she said, looking up at the house. ” (p.35)
In this second quote, a poor and ill woman begged Bulosan’s Mother for a taste of boggong. Her hands were cracked and she asked if she could at least dip her hands in it. Bulosan’s Mother said yes and the woman dipped her injured hands into it quickly and pulling it out because it burned. She dipped her hands in some water and drank from the bowl with hunger. She ran to her house for rice to mix it up with the leftovers of the boggong. Bulosan wanted to laugh because she looked so strange but if he had been older, he probably would’ve looked at the woman surprisingly or at least felt pity for her.
“I was getting restless and fearful of the uncertainty that pervaded our household. I felt like running away- anywhere. I wanted to cast off the sudden gloom that shadowed our family, and I thought the only way to that was to escape from it. I would also be escaping from my family, and from the bitter memories of childhood.” (pg. 63)
When kids grow into the teenage stage they become restless. They want to be older and try to persuade their parents if they could do this by themselves or at least do it with friends and with no parent supervision. They want to be independent like baby birds first learning how to fly. They struggle to spread their wings at first but they’re restless to fly correctly.
“But the girl was pretty and her body was nicely curved and graceful, and she had a way of saying that aroused confused sensations in me.” (p.105)
“I wanted a weapon- anything to hit back at these white men who had leaped upon us from the dark.” (pg. 110)
Bulosan became attracted to women as he matured like any boy growing. However, his peaceful childhood self disappeared with the second quote. He not only wanted to just watch violence but be part of it. As he grows up, he realizes that violence surrounds him because he is a Philippine and he feels like he could never escape it in California. Instead of trusting people on the spot like how children trust people he began to not trust anyone, afraid of being hurt or killed.
“I knew that there was nothing better than life, even a hard life, even a frustrated life. Yes, even a broken-down gambler’s life. And I wanted to live.”(pg.116) As Bulosan switches from time to time, he’s beginning to finally understand that it’s a dog eat dog world in America. He realizes that he has to survive no matter what and admits that he has to survive no matter how hard it was. If it was a child they would’ve just pushed away reality. Bulosan is beginning to grow in many ways.
As the book progresses, Bulosan begins to fully leave his childhood. He goes into gambling houses, gets raped, meets plenty of strangers etc. He works anywhere and keeps on finding his brothers and their friends. “I thought I had lost interest in everything. But here I was again, working industriously as before, hoping to survive another winter. It was a planless life, hopeless, and without direction. I was merely living from day to day: yesterday seemed long ago and tomorrow was too far away. It was today that I lived for aimlessly, this hour- this moment. It gave me an acute sense of time that has remained with me.” (169) Bulosan implies that he’s working more diligently than ever just to survive. He realizes that time is scarce, that today is really the only day to care about. It’s now. Whatever he does at the moment can affect his tomorrow so today is all that matters. Yesterday has already happened so why should he worry about it.
“Then I knew surely that I had become a new man. I could fight the world now with my mind, not merely with my hands. My weapon could not be taken away from me any more. I had an even chance to survive the brutalities around me. But I was beginning to cough, and I could not sleep at night. I was sick: the years of hunger had found me last.”(224-225) Many men believe that violence can solve all problems. They say to fight physically but Bulosan is smart. He found out that he doesn’t have to fight the world with his hands. He could fight it with his wits, his words. However, now he was becoming sick and this is when he matured the most. He began to write poems about his life and send them to newspaper. His friend Eileen kept him company and also brought books when she visited him in the ward.
“How could I forget one of the most significant events in my childhood? How could I have forgotten a tragedy that was to condition so much of my future life?”(283) Bulosan has been through so much that he had already forgotten a major part of his life back in Binalonan like a very old man. When you face so many things in your life that has made it hard you tend to forget that you ever had a nice life for once.