Uncyclopedia, on GOD

God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. Unfortunately, God's Earth shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so He cannot make some people happy. He is best known for creating the universe, forgiving our sins, and deciding who wins the Super Bowl.

God has been known to use his Earth shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people.

In one of the earliest documented cases of Multiple Personality Disorder, God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him on a whim.

God likes people to worship and sing to Him. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like Santa at christmas, just all year around, every day all day.

Because God is pure love, anybody, even good people, who don't believe in Him are forced into eternal suffering in Hell. However, evil selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.

For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the Bible, which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.

God is often said to look like the stranger in the mirror, but forgotten prophet Zoab wrote several unique aspects of the immortal being, such as the following description of what God looked like:

"First we can state that God has a beard, as this is a commonly known truth and all theologists of all people agree with this by nature. But a fact that is overlooked by most theologists is that God only has one hand. People always talk about "THE hand of God" and never say "a hand of God" or "one of God's hands". This also explains why people who are praying put there hands against each other: they do this to be respectful towards God, as the people would appear to have just one hand too. It would be a huge disruptance of the cosmic order if a mortal appeared to have more hands than God himself. This explains why we are not allowed to depict God: if we were, people would notice He has only one hand. Above all this also explains why God does not play dice: playing dice is easier with two hands than with one.

Furthermore God most likely has an eye patch - Reality has two major components: the Something (e.g.a stone) and the Nothing (e.g. that which is inside a vacuum sucked sphere or inside the head of anyone overly religious). It is a known fact that God sees everything, so both the Something as the Nothing. If we decide God has two eyes, He could see Something with one eye and Nothing with the other, therefore he wears an eye patch over one of his eyes, so he could see everything. In recent years this has been taken by extremist religions as a tacit endorsement of the pirate way of life.

*Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the Pope, because he has a mind-bogglingly cool hat.